Flight and the Art of Not Being an Elephant

When it comes to rope bondage and shibari I only know what maître tells me. I have not studied it like he has, but trust his judgment and do what I am told. I can tell you that I feel very sexy most of the time in the ropes. He puts such care and design into it. I feel like a little girl being dressed and primped for a big event. I can see the passion he has for it and the sexual arousal that comes from touching his ropes and tying them on me. But he has certain goals in mind for our rope play and I am finding it most difficult to cooperate with his plan and design. I am not the typical shibari model. I am short and stocky and not in the best physical shape.  He shares pictures of various beautiful thin women in flight, steering me toward the direction he wants our play to go, but I am not a bird as those women appear. They are light, graceful, fluid and flexible. I see myself more as an elephant. Strong, sturdy, loud, unbendable at times even. He wants me to fly and last night we began just a beginning rope work toward flight and I felt utterly awkward. I wish many times over to see myself as he sees me. I am that bird and capable of achieving flight to maitre, but when I look in the mirror, the elephant stares back at me. Who could in all honest make an elephant fly? My own self image is a battle I face every day. I sometimes fear that his patience will wear out before I am able to conquer it. Being a part of the swinger lifestyle has helped my self image some. You can be with someone so long that you forget that you can hold value apart from that person. I must admit that male and female attention at parties is a real turn on for me. I enjoy being looked at, lusted after and found attractive. It does not seem to help my self image much either. You have to see it first.  Maitre loves me inside and out. Just as I love him. Love truly is blind. You come to love the flaws of each other if you are doing it right because those flaws make that person who they are. That is why one of us sees a bird and the other sees only the elephant. I cannot remember one time in all the time we have been together that he has ever said anything negative about my appearance. I really don't know whether I am physically capable of being his bird in flight but I really want to try. I want to see the bird in the mirror instead of the elephant.

Latest sessions and my thoughts

Two nights ago maître and I began to watch some  power exchange porn together. There were some very hot scenes that very much turned me on. One was a group of slaves at a party who proceeded to service each other and the guests at the guests and masters desires. My favorite part was when the slaves were allowed to cum and they had to holler out "I serve the house". The idea of maître giving me in service to others turns me on. The other one that I got hot over was this rope play video where the woman is tied up and being fucked up the ass by a woman in a strap on. Suddenly the hanging woman whips out a cock from her underwear and you realize she is a transsexual. She was so good-looking, it was just a huge naughty turn on for me .Afterwards, maître fucked me so hard that I fought to keep my legs up in the air. One of my favorite things is when he has my legs up over his shoulders, and he chokes me or covers my mouth while fucking me hard. I cum so hard when he does that. He always follows those moments with soft rubs and touches. He is so good at being master. He is a perfect balance of gentle and stern. He leaves my body spent and my mind calm and clear. Through the exchange of power I achieve moments of blissful peace. My mind finally quiets and I don't have to think about anything but obeying his wishes. I guess you could say that BDSM is my meditation. It is my time to empty my head and just be at peace. I had an orgasm twice unexpectedly without permission that night which resulted in spankings. I just couldn't control it, his cock felt so good!

Last night was even better. As soon as he arrived home I knew he wanted to fuck. He took me in the bedroom and pulled off my pants. He licked and toyed with my clit and then made me squirt with his fingers inside me. Then he got the toys and began to fuck me with a large two ended cock hard while teasing my clit with a vibrator. It was so intense and felt so good. Then he turned me over and leaned me over the bed. He fucked me hard till I came then he went to the drawer. The drawer is high above my head and I never know what he is grabbing until I feel it. This time he brought out an anal plug and carefully inserted it in my ass after lubing it up. It felt cold but pleasurable as he fucked me and pressed himself into my ass so I could feel the anal plug go in further. It felt very good. There is no better feeling than after I have been fucked in my mouth, cunt and ass. I often tell maître I feel full, like I am complete. A complete fucking is so nice. That was just the start, as later on he tied me in the ropes and suspended me from the ceiling. My feet were still on the ground but tied up. My arms were behind my back and I had beautiful black ropes across my breasts. I remember thinking how beautiful my breasts looked in his ropes. I was spanked, electrically shocked with the wand, hit with the crop which I love! I made one little mistake as I put my hand in the way of his crop and hurt my finger. He immediately stopped to ask if I was ok and I apologized for getting my hand in the way. He bound my mouth and took away my ability to kiss him or lick his lips and tongue with mine. That was excruciating as I love to kiss him. As he did his work, my mind kept thinking back to the videos we have watched of masters with a variety of subs and I suddenly began thinking of the day in the future when he will have other subs. I battled jealousy at the thought. What if another sub can handle more than I can? What if the intimacy that is dom/sub moves beyond just playing a scene and he falls in love with one? What if he cannot help but enjoy tying up another because they look so much better in his ropes? I want to be the only submissive. This is a sign that I am not fully submitted yet.  I also know that is not realistic to who maître is. I cannot stifle him or keep him stuck because he has freed me of my shell. Years of denying my sexual desire toward women had left me empty and cold. Now he has freed me to embrace that part of me and explore it with him and I have to do the same for him. I wonder if other subs suffer from wanting to be the only one?  These feelings are something we will just have to work out and I know maître would never proceed before I am ready. He is after all not just my master but my soul mate and my best friend. If any subs reading this have had similar feelings I would love to hear from you.

Rules from Master

Our rules have evolved and grown as we explore the Dom/sub relationship. They have not been a list of requirements I am required to follow as much as a gentle, slow, progression in my training and a deepening of the intimacy and trust we share. I do not always readily like the rules at first. I am a bit of a brat after all. But they all have held many pleasurable results both when I follow them and sometimes when I don't. Sometimes I like to be punished. Here are the rules from Master right now:

1.I will complete my assignment every day as laid out by maître.

2. I am to obey maître at all times.

3. In the presence of maître, I will not open a door or touch the handle but will wait for him to open or close it for me.

4. I will ask before dressing or undressing.

5. I will not orgasm/squirt without permission from maître.

6. My legs must stay up during certain positions of our fucking or they will be tied up.

7. When in a scene:
 I must ask before moving, before kissing or touching him.
 My hands must stay at my side or raised depending on the position he has me in.
I must say thank you sir after each spanking, flogging, whipping etc.
I must say right away if anything hurts or feels wrong during our shibari play.
I must thank the master when he makes me cum.
I must keep my hands on the floor while sucking the master's cock in a kneeling position unless he gives permission for me to use my hands too.


I am sure more will come ..........

Beginning to Submit

Maitre, this is the name I gave to him and it means master in French. Soumis is the name he gave me and it means submissive. I was born to be a submissive and he was born to be a master. We have fought against our nature for many years, trying to conform to the world and their prescriptions for what makes a man and woman happy in relationship and in self. None of it ever worked for us. We struggled in our lives trying desperately to be authentic but never achieving it until now. I have had an awakening in the last year or so. On the edge of an abyss I stood and saw him slipping from me and everything we had built together. I lost my mind and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me in some ways because the voices and tapes that looped in my head on who I was and what I needed to believe stopped playing. We began again and vowed to rediscover one another. The journey is taking us to very interesting places emotionally and physically. Along the way, we encountered things we had only really heard about. We watched others playing in the realm of BDSM and we thought it looked interesting. It was like stumbling over a gem that had been hiding at our feet for years but not knowing quite what we had! The first time I was flogged was an amazing night. We were in a dungeon area, watching a dom flog women. He asked if I wanted to try it and I immediately looked to Maitre who gave me the ok to go up. Maitre did not participate in the flogging but came around to my front as I was being flogged and attached clamps to my nipples and began to pull. I was so turned on by the experience and received so much pleasure from it. That night really was the beginning of my submission. As we discussed the experience later and began to explore the possibilities, we realized pretty quickly just what we had.  I finally became his Soumis and he finally became my Maitre.  Life has never been better.......